Today is our second anniversary :-)
Today is also the day I'm four days over my official "due date"

Originally, we were told our baby was due on August 7th based on my last menstrual period date, but then the baby measured bigger.  So, as we started the second trimester, we were given a new "due date."  I've never been pregnant before and I didn't have a real choice over who would be handling my care in Toronto. I have a feeling that a start to finish pregnancy with a Danish midwife would have handled a baby measuring big a bit differently.  When our due date was pushed up to the 31st of July, I was tempted to not say so to anyone.  We would know what the doctor said, but no one else needed to and that would have given us a week... We didn't do that.

A week would have been really nice, now that I am here still pregnant.  There are so many things I wish I had done differently concerning this freaking "due date."  The first thing is just not telling anyone the actual day, ever- or at least adding two weeks.  I've had to put myself on a media blackout where I don't reply on Facebook to anyone asking about whether I've had the baby...I haven't really been answering emails either.  I'm blogging today because it's my anniversary; and also because I know these things I am writing about will seem so inconsequential when the baby comes and I want to remember how much they really did matter to me before that.  They may not matter in my memory, but they do have significant influence in my life.

What matters to me now is trying to stay relaxed and, unfortunately, I'm feeling much pressure to perform.  As much as I don't hold myself to unrealistic expectations, I am aware that other people have them for me- for this baby in me.  I am also aware that the expectations come because they are excited for Marc and I.  We don't know what the baby is, we don't know anything about it.  We think it has hair because of how ridiculous my heartburn is (and the Asian genes, of course- aren't all Asian babies born with hair?).  We think it will look like Marc more than me, again because of the Asian genes.  But, in reality, we know nothing about the baby.  Thats why we shared the real due date, because it's something we know about the baby.  Everyone is so excited and wants to know all about the baby, so you tell everyone everything you know because you don't know very much.  At least, that's what we did this time.  I think if there is a next time we will internalize even more...

I know people aren't aware that their excitement stresses me out.  I know people don't realize that their unrealistic expectations that the baby will BE BORN on, or before the due date make me feel like I am failing at some aspect of this pregnancy.  I know that explaining to people the complexities of the situation will just make them feel like they can't be excited- and that's not how I want people to feel.  I'm glad we have so many friends and family that are looking forward to our baby coming into this world.  I don't want them to think we are ungrateful for all the support and love that they show us.  But, honestly, right now I don't want to hear about it.

I am incredibly uncomfortable.  My joints are really soft and sore.  I keep saying "I'm going to go to the hospital for a dislocated hip before I go to the hospital for labour."  I have the most incredible and unpredictable heartburn I've ever felt.  The baby is so low and so big that I can't go to the bathroom without experiencing excruciating pain with little reward for my efforts- and baby keeps pushing downward.  Have you ever been punched in your anus from the inside? let me tell you, it's worse than it sounds.  I know this is no real news to anyone that has been pregnant before.  The stereotypical point is, I am so uncomfortable I want the baby to come out last week.  So, having to tell people over and over that the baby isn't here yet just makes me think about how badly I want the baby to come.

There are a million other reasons I just want the baby to come out (discomfort is the main one in my mind right now...), but Marc and I have spent this pregnancy training for letting nature take its course.  When the baby is ready, when my body is ready, then I will go into labour.  A doctor's estimation doesn't change nature's course.  We are so focused on schedules... "I have to wait this long until I don't have to wait anymore"- it's drilled in us.  I'm not surprised if people are thinking "ok it's August 4th, why do I not have a baby picture in my inbox yet?! I want to see this freaking baby!"  I just can't go there mentally if I want to stay here, in the "letting nature do its thing" present.  I can't be sending out preemptive strike emails that say "hey, nothing has changed" because then I am acknowledging that something should have happened by now.  Since nothing has happened, since no baby has come, then nothing should have happened yet.  I don't know if this makes sense to anyone but Marc and I...but we're the only ones that it needs to make sense to.

It's a hard mentality to be in, even without the external influences.  It takes effort to submit to a process that is completely out of our control.  We must actually fully submit to pregnancy and the unknown time it takes; not just understand that submitting is what should be happening then turning around and begging God to just put me into labour already! or wondering every five minutes if my water is about to break.  It's a tight rope walk between despair and frustration (one where you fall off a lot), and then when you're finally done walking the tight rope you have to have a baby.  I can understand a little better now the reason people use the medical system to induce labour, control pain... skip it all and just schedule a C-section.  The weeks leading up to the birth are mentally draining because there is so much pressure around the "due date," and then you need all the mental faculties you have to get through the birth.  You're drained before you even get there because you're in a cycle of insanity wondering when the baby will come but knowing that you can't know at all.  We are doing our very best to shut down that cycle.  Preparing for a natural birth has helped a lot because we have a routine where we can focus on the "how" instead of the "when."

The due date is just a day.  Today is my anniversary; more than just a day.  When I found out our due date I was worried because today was a day I wanted to keep to myself with Marc.  I didn't want to share today with a child's birthday because that child wouldn't understand why they weren't the most important thing on their birthday.  One day maybe they would "get it," but not early enough in life for me to feel comfortable about caring more about the day our family started then the day they entered the world.  I do care more about our anniversary, I will always care more because I will make that choice daily.  And my child will hopefully be grateful for that eventually...
Today might be the day that my body and the baby inside it decide they are ready to do birth- and we are prepared for that, whenever it comes.  I'm not fighting with nature because I'm not caring about when the baby comes, even if the baby comes today.  Today is a celebration day, more important to me then almost any other day of the year (Easter being the exception), and celebrations are always better without expectations.
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