re: my broken heart

He called them kid gloves. He said none of his friends get treated with kid gloves. And it was harsh and mean-spirited maybe. but it was logical and he was necessary. All I had was Jon (and Jessica and a small hope to join Brendan or Laura) but I felt like all I had was Jon. Lots of travelling kept me distracted. Jon worked the night shift a lot so we roamed the city a bit doing ridiculous things. It was just fun to be with each other and there was never anything ever to spark. though I do remember complaining to Laura or Jessica about how sometimes Jon did things that I thought might be a bit too flirtatious. Oh the drama... anyway real life problems were that in the previous month my boyfriend of 5 years dumped me out of nowhere, my dad died and I graduated university without any job prospects. When my dad died I told him I was going to be fine because I had a plan to go to Calgary. I never went to Calgary.
Sometimes, when L is screaming and E is whining and Marc is playing video games, I think about how I did not go to Calgary. a whole nother life honey.

And here I am, in this life, thinking about how the only reason I did not punch Jon in the face when he told me how much I should just get over my problems is because he was real with me from the get go.

I will never change the way I treat you based on the circumstances of the life you are living.

[spoiler: he would however be very willing to change the way he treated me based on the circumstances of the life he was living. #whipped #scaredoflifealone #possibleunrequitedlovestory]

in any case...
I am thinking about how much his behaviour shaped me. Because I loved and adored him like a brother. And I know what it is like to confuse brother love with boyfriend love. I had full on brother love for Jon. Even though he did not treat me well as a friend and he filled my life with drama through the poor choices he made for himself. and as far as I know, that has yet to change.
I just loved him anyway, like I do. It is brother love, there is a lot of room for forgiveness.

I hated it when Jon would be insensitive, but I also understood it was actually necessary to take a break from agonizing about circumstances completely out of my control. In the before time, I had a community, financial security and a partner to do life with. I knew where I was going. I had plans.
Now I had nothing but a lot to complain and uncontrollably cry about. Jon basically forced me to stop crying, so then I could talk to him about things I couldn't get out to other people. And he listened. And he helped. And I used him as a tool like this for many years. Eventually, I could stop uncontrollable tears by just dialing his number. He was a good friend in the moment. He did like me. He just would never stick his neck out for me, where I would have for him. It was something I knew but he didn't know. because he didn't really understand people or himself. and he didn't want to. he just wanted easy. but the whole thing made me feel insecure at the time. because he could just drop me, but I really needed him. Marc changed that dynamic a lot, but it took years. years where, if I was uncontrollably crying, I would need to call Jon. even if Marc was sitting right next to me.

Everything. all the progress, it took years.
Nothing was apparent in the moment. I could not in any way, shape, or form have the understanding of the situation that I do without having lived through it first and then reflecting on it. just like having kids- no matter how prepared you are, you are not prepared.
There is a point where situations get extreme enough that the emotional experience is the same for everyone. It doesn't matter what is making you feel it. it doesn't matter what country you come from. it doesn't matter what period in time you live! 'Grief because you lost everything' is a state of the human mind that is universal. And you know what it feels like, if you know.

And I know. And I am actually thankful for it. now.

because in the before time, I was also very lost. Like a bleating sheep all alone in darkness. Sheep are not aware they are lost and I was not either. I was never trying not to be a sheep, though. And God heard prayers in between the lines of my prayers. He knew that I wanted to be the best version of myself and he knew how to get me there.
And it was a horrible experience, having the entire world drop out from under you such that your life becomes a surreal dream that you are watching swirl around you. because nothing is processing. and as you slowly start to wake up from this proverbial fall, the pain is so excruciating it freaks out your brain. The brain always responds by acting like you are going to die. Survival mode!

When I am in survival mode, I never feel hungry. I am a person that is very aware of eating when I am not hungry. I got so aware of eating, that it stressed me out too much and I had to stop altogether.
I stopped eating. for months.
But with Jon, I would eat. because he would make me act like everything I was going through was a "normal" part of life. His way was very harsh, but it was necessary. And I was able to eat when I was with other people because I could do it first with Jon.

I am not harsh. but I am honest. and I will not lie to people, even just by being passive. no matter the circumstances of life. My honesty comes from a the most loving place and reflects love, never judgement. And even in situations with my children, where I must judge their actions to teach them the ways for the world they need to learn to survive in- even in those situations, I do not judge the heart of my children.

The thing that has happened because of your actions is bad, maybe your actions were poorly chosen ones. But you, child, are not bad. You are better. You always have the opportunity to do better.

I make that distinction to them, so that there is no perceived judgement coming from me. All perceived judgment is logically abolished. Because they love their mother so much, that they would be shaped by any judgement they perceive from me- whether I intend it or not.
And I know that because I lived that too.

I know what being forced to hear things I did not want to hear did for me when I was drowning in the rubble of what was once "my life." I do it for people in a way that is filled with love and understanding because I also know how horrible it feels when someone treats you harshly.


how I do a bandaid

E slipped and fell on the way out of børnehaven. It was a hard fast fall, one that took my breath. But he was ok. Just scared and scraped. His knee did start to bleed, but only a little. E said he wanted to go home before getting a bandaid. But, in the car on the way home he starts freeeking out.

"I think it is time to wipe the blood away! I think every time I look at the blood, I get scared!"

So I tell him that is ok. That is normal. I tell him how for a really long time humans have had to feel that way -!"scared"!- about blood because we have to care about when our bodies are bleeding. It matters for our survival. And then I tell him that it is also ok to not be scared, because mommy and daddy have seen a lot of scraped knees in our time. And we know when it is ok not to be scared by blood. This is one of those times. We would tell him if we were scared too. But we aren't scared, and we have a plan. We are going to go home and get a bandaid to cover the blood!
And then we are off counting how many bandaids are needed- 3! he decided.

Oh and look now we are home! because we live that close.
And he waits in the car while I get a bandaid. I bring it out to him and wipe around the wound with a baby wipe. I explain how I won't touch the blood. And I won't. because I know the body is going to clean the broken skin better than a baby wipe. But I get as much skin clean as I can, without touching the blood, without breaking my words. Everything is clear to both of us as it happens.
The bandaid goes on. We are lucky to have a big enough bandaid that he only needed one- :-)
Minion bandaids- all the rage these days.

I heard a conversation between two celebrities (Most likely Jon Stewart and someone else- he had his last episode of the daily show last night!! haven't had time to watch it because E turns five in like two days!!!) It was a conversation about how Minions are like, scientifically engineered, to make people feel tiny, squishy, and happy inside. Like the Aliens from Toy Story did in the 90's. Maybe the Aliens are a case study that leads to the Minions. Maybe they are two different studios competing. I don't know because I can't remember if Disney owns the Minions.

Disney DOES NOT own the Minions. So Aliens vs. Minions will never happen on screen- only in real life. And apparently Disney is "losing" that fight right now.. or whatever. 

in a world where
(dolla dolla bills = highest value) > (human lives = highest value)
and the humans build their lives centered around the `highest value´

So that is why Disney is "losing" even though Disney and Universal both contribute to the future of humanity in very positive ways, including employing Creatives. I feel like something will shift in my lifetime though. So many people are speaking more and more about how things really are. The two teired societyThe three teired society.

So, until things shift in favour of loving one another,

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