define priority

I fight against the idea that what I do defines me.
It is easy to do that when I have not had a full time, life consuming, pay check earning job for nearly five years. But it is not easy to explain.
I am educated as an engineer. I spend most of my time fulfilling the responsibilities of a wife/mother. I invest effort in to improving my Danish. I enjoy working on projects for my garden and house. When I have spare time, I love to write. But to say that I AM these things that I do or have done... I struggle with that.

For the last 25 weeks defining myself as only pregnant has been easy. Most of my friends (because, like, everyone I know is having babies!) are pregnant while they are something else- their full time job. For me, being pregnant is a full time job. My body just does not have the energy to do very much else on top of growing a baby. And it is not because I am physically unhealthy, I'm not. It's that in order for me to be a healthy pregnant person, I happen to require a lot more sleep than most. While I am tempted to just blame the narcolepsy, the truth is that I actually need to sleep more when I am pregnant than when I am not. The narcolepsy does make my sleeping schedule a bit more complex though.

It has been frustrating coming to terms with this idea that I am not awesome enough to just add a growing fetus to my life, unfazed. For the first four months, I couldn't keep up with the house work. I couldn't cook food. My body still tries to throw up on a regular basis, mainly when I am stressed or upset about something. Generally, this pregnancy has given me a very sensitive gag reflex alongside constant nausea. So, the thought of being pregnant while working a full time, pay cheque earning job, really just seems not fathomable. This makes me feel like a failure. If you told me when I graduated from university that I wouldn't be a career woman; that the majority of my accomplishments before I was 30 would have nothing to do with my engineering education.. I would have vehemently disagreed... I just never saw myself as I am now.

My pregnancy has highlighted the parts of my life that I am not happy with and it has done the same for my husband. It's not surprising, it is par for the course. Everything was very much up in the air when we were pregnant with E. We didn't know where we were going to live or how we were going to earn money. The questions we had to answer were easy and basic- even if the answer required an international move. This time around the questions are a lot more complicated, more emotional and harder.On top of the normal emotional complexity, I am having some bad side effects from the pregnancy hormones- mainly that they are making me a little crazy.
For example, I couldn't watch E take a bath for a week because I had too much anxiety about being stranded on a life boat with him in the ocean alongside other strangers. And one of those strangers offering to hold E, but then throwing him into the ocean. I would be in a position to decide whether to jump in after him and probably fail trying to save us both, or secure my life by staying on the boat and letting E drown, alone. Seriously, it was that outrageous; that specific. Seeing him wet in the bathtub just put me over the proverbial edge; I could not breathe. And I KNEW it was crazy the entire time! but that did not help me make it not a problem. From the outside looking in, it is pretty hilarious- if you aren't me.

So this pregnancy has really been a pretty crazy ride- one that still has awhile left to it. But I am better strapped in these days, I think. I'm trying really hard not to put any extra pressure on myself. Prioritize prioritize prioritize. Asking myself regularly: what matters most to me right now? and what is the simplest way to approach it? Unfortunately, writing has not been at the top of my priority list for basically my entire pregnancy!

I wanted to put some extra time into learning Danish, so I actually went to classes at a school in Herning for the time between Christmas and Easter this year. I had to travel there three days a week which was exhausting, I am now on my "baby break,: so I should be able to use the rest of my free education after we are ready to put this new baby into dagplejer.

Since I stopped going to school I have been putting a lot of work into the garden. Last year was our first year growing anything, and we're adding more to the line up this year.

Marc and I have also been focusing a lot of effort on our house. We have in-progress work in every room. Some is just simple reorganization, but there is also some other real construction going on. Our living room, bedroom and laundry room are all in the process of undergoing very significant changes. Projects that have come about since I have been pregnant.

And E. He started in the Danish kindergarten, børnehaven, at the start of May. We have had some ups and downs with his language. The pregnancy has obviously been affecting my relationship with him. He needs a lot of energy and attention, but he is also very confident and independent. He wants to try to do everything himself now days- how do you say no to that?

@27 weeks


you know if you know

I wasn't sure where to start today and then my breath was lost, pulled away from inside my chest by empathy and insight by a life laid down to rest a moment passes  where words have no meaning and the only sound that matters is the fact that you are breathing the frail balance between life and not life that you have until you don't  the shock is too much there is not even pain just a huge gap of "this should have been" it's not about fair or just or secure it's a moment where you know  this is not what we were made for  we live like we're not walking a fine line all the time turning our backs on this huge chasm that replaced the true source of life because it is not about when or how you fall but that you will  there are chances in life where  you can glance over the edge because someone you held to is gone and it breaks you,  remakes you  into one who knows a pain that screams the meaning of life a message we are too deaf to hear too numb to understand our evolution for survival  to live with hope and purpose is to ignore the truth of death yet heed the lessons the disonance of our life, separated you know the sound if you know
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