Almost a year since I became a mother. There were so many big changes in my life over the past year and it seems like bigger changes are to come. I'm quite excited to see what the next six months has in store. Recently I have had an epiphany about parenting. I think it will prove to be incredibly important for my future as a parent. The roots of it come along with attachment parenting. Deciding to be an attachment parent has been a decision I have struggled with. My husband doesn't seem to have as many issues as I have, but he is not the one that is home all day with E. What the books don't tell you about attachment parenting is that your child can become VERY attached to you as a mother. The books I read talked about bonding as this amazing thing that I will cherish deeply. Well, I'm assuming in the future I will look back and say "how wonderful it was to have my son want me every minute of every day" but in the present I don't always find it wonderful. I do find myself wanting space and time away. E doesn't always want that space and time from me. Marc is a wonderful husband, an amazing father, but he isn't me and sometimes that means E is inconsolable.

The amazing thing is that when E is well fed, well slept and away from me, I hear about how confident a child he is. I hear about how relaxed and fun he is to be around. I hear about how he doesn't whine or cry for things. I hear about how well he can communicate, how well he can play with other children. I have not seen many of these things myself beyond glimpses. And, for awhile I struggled with that. "Why can't he be a pleasure for ME, I'm the one doing everything for him." And then I realized that as his parent, as his mother, I'm the safe place. I am the one that gets to see the weaknesses and deal with the worries. And isn't that what I want when E is older? Isn't that the reason we choose attachment parenting in the first place. It was to build that bond from the ground up; from the start. A bond where E is not afraid to be raw and open with his parents, even if he has to be something else for the world.

So I am getting better at letting E be insecure with me. I am more patient with his whining, I am more focused on teaching him constructive communication. I am not as hard on him or myself when he is just having a bad day. Because I'm the safe place where any feelings are allowed and all expressions of feelings are totally accepted. Sometimes accepted then corrected, but still accepted. I just hope I don't get lost along the way. I really don't want to be one of those parents that wakes up one day and decides their kid owes them something because of everything they have been given. I am the parent. I am the safe place. I don't ever want to be anything else.
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