old lady

It has been an eventful summer. And summer is over in Denmark. It ended either the day before E's fourth birthday or the day after. We had a birthday party that needed a true summer day, but we did not get one- we made it work anyway. That is just how it happens here. The weather can't get in your way because you get nothing done if you wait for the sun. You can be waiting weeks sometimes.

I feel old in not good ways lately. Part of it is having my MIL here. It is easier for her to challenge me about the parts of our life she doesn't understand or agree with. She doesn't challenge her son about them. So I have spent weeks explaining and defending our life. And, through it, I really can see how counter-cultural our life is. We have made decisions that are not typical for people our age. I don't regret them.  I don't want to regret them. But I do have maybe more information now. It is hard to look back and remember what you didn't actually know until after the decision was made. That is why I feel old. I keep having to relive the whys and hows of where we are today. And I can't regret the choices that brought me to where I am. I love my life. I do not, however, love having to defend our life.

With my MIL, it hasn't just been asking questions or wondering about ways things could improve. It has been defending choices I couldn't take back even if I wanted to. I can't change when I had my babies or why I had them. I can't change that we decided to move to Denmark for the job Marc has. And I definitely can't change how up and down Marc feels in his day to day life. But these things are not that bad. I could look at them and point out all the ways they have limited me, but I really don't see those things. We maybe I see the limitations that Marc's mood can have on me. But my MIL does see everything as limiting. It's exhausting to me because it stresses me out.

I have a renewed drive for finding work because of all of this reflecting. I guess that is a good thing. I don't know if I am ready to work, but I know that just going through the process of applying helps me get ready. It is so easy to get wrapped up in my head about how my having a job would look in our life. The fact is, I don't know how it would work and I have to give it up to God. He knows how my life needs to be for me to be the best version of myself. I just wish my extended family had as much faith as I do. In Marc and I, and in God.

this is the part when I break free, because I can't resist it no more
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