recording my daily life for the internet, in bursts

How long do you give yourself to adjust to new situations? new schedules? new responsibilities?

I don't think I give myself enough time when I look at it from the perspective of life events. What has happened to me in the last month and a half since E started in dagplejer? From what I can remember I worked and ran everyday for two weeks and then got sicker than I have ever been in my life. I got better and then got sick again...and then again! We were worried about E getting chicken pox, and instead he has been the only one of us to go through the last month and half basically unscathed. E has been sick for a day or two at a time, but then he gives Marc and I what ever he has and we're knocked out. Marc and I have been trading off who is the sick one for a few weeks now.

In between taking more sick days off then ever before in my life. I have been worrying a lot about the house and the huge list of things that need to be done in the house before winter. Technically, some things should probably have been done before it started getting cold and rainy outside, but that has already happened... So anytime even the slightest bit of sun shines, I feel like I need to go outside and do some hard labour. I don't pay close enough attention to the Danish weather forecasts, which literally change every six hours, so I'm basically deciding on the spur of the moment if what needs to be done outside is more or less important than what I have in front of me.

I basically stopped running after I got sick because I felt like I pushed myself too hard in the beginning and am afraid of making myself sick again. Plus the weather has been blah, and I have lost that feeling of habit. I don't think "get dressed in running clothes" when I get out of bed in the morning anymore. I will get back into this habit, I keep promising myself.

I have stopped waking up as early. I think part of the reason I got so sick initially was that I was not listening to my body when it was telling me how much it needed to relax. Because I have narcolepsy, relaxing normally ends up turning into sleep. I know that if I wake up early and then try to relax later in the day, I am going to be asleep. I'll miss out on the rest of the time I am home without E and then wake up five minutes before I have to leave to get him. Waking up like that is horrible. It makes me feel very stressed about having E home again. My mind is focused on the things I should have done while I was sleeping, not on hanging out with him. Then I think, "whats the point of picking him up right after he naps if not to spend time with him?" so I feel exponentially bad about myself all afternoon.

There is this "putting myself on video talking about breastfeeding" project inspired by my sister, which has a huge learning curve I did not anticipate. It's not just trying to find the most flattering lighting or camera angle. And it isn't just about the video editing afterwards. I have learned that when I speak, I am preachy. I think I am being helpful and explaining stuff when I talk, but when I listen to myself I am like "what the heck am I doing? that's not even relevant, it is just bossy." More on the effects of that vis-à-vis my life in a future post. Regardless, the video is something that is taking up a lot more time than I want, but I can't get it out of my head so I just want to get it over with.

In the midst of all of this I have framed out almost my entire novel and am in love with the story. It seems like writing for myself comes too easy and I'm worried that is because I actually suck and don't know it yet. But, my heart says that even though I could and should be spending more time on writing the novel; the time I am spending is going well and I am doing what I am supposed to be doing with myself. The reason I want to spend more time is because of how good it feels to be writing as I am now. If I finish the 1st draft of my novel sooner than later, the accomplishment will feel amazing and I will be ready to add one more thing to my plate: danish classes at a school.

It seems like this blog is always right there along side the novel for priority, but I desire to blog less. For the past weeks I have prioritized writing time to my novel and I have done no blogging. I don't feel bad about that, though all the blogging tips and tricks websites will tell me I should. The blog feels like it has a direction for me, but I know that it needs more structural work and content explaining the actual direction/intention to the readers. I will take the time to do that eventually. I don't feel like I'm going to put any effort in promoting this blog on the internet until after my first draft is done anyway. I have been thinking about how I will go about it and everything I need to do between now and then. I'll probably have a blog intensive week or two before the holidays, but right now I care so much more about writing this novel.

So, all of that plus the weekly danish lessons online, choir practice, new english-speaking fellowship group, teaching myself computer programming and full-time social life means that I am spending more time worrying about what has not been done than I am spending enjoying what I am doing! And that is unacceptable in the long term. But it is acceptable while I am still finding balance in this new life. It's been two months since I started experiencing regularly scheduled alone time, with only half of that have E actually napping at the dagplejer.

What have I learned in this time where I have swung from one side of the pushing myself continuum to the other?

  • I need a schedule, a plan for the weeks ahead. More than just a to-do list; a to-do-then list. I think I want to start having "theme" weeks for my work.
  • I need to push harder than I have been pushing, but not as hard as I was pushing. So running three times a week or walking everyday instead of running... and making time every day to write again no matter whats on the schedule.
  • I need to keep telling myself "there will always be excuses not to write, but my passion trumps them"
  • I need to not blog consistently... I think bursts of content might be more my style. If I can get readers to expect that from the beginning, I think that will be good for me in the long term.

thisclimb: recording my daily life for the internet, in bursts.
me and my to-do list for the coming weeks... and all the excitement for it I could gather.


he doesn't know what he's missing out on

As a narcoleptic, sometimes I have to ask Marc to do weird things at night...

I know what you are wondering, but that's not really the point.
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