re: my broken heart

He called them kid gloves. He said none of his friends get treated with kid gloves. And it was harsh and mean-spirited maybe. but it was logical and he was necessary. All I had was Jon (and Jessica and a small hope to join Brendan or Laura) but I felt like all I had was Jon. Lots of travelling kept me distracted. Jon worked the night shift a lot so we roamed the city a bit doing ridiculous things. It was just fun to be with each other and there was never anything ever to spark. though I do remember complaining to Laura or Jessica about how sometimes Jon did things that I thought might be a bit too flirtatious. Oh the drama... anyway real life problems were that in the previous month my boyfriend of 5 years dumped me out of nowhere, my dad died and I graduated university without any job prospects. When my dad died I told him I was going to be fine because I had a plan to go to Calgary. I never went to Calgary.
Sometimes, when L is screaming and E is whining and Marc is playing video games, I think about how I did not go to Calgary. a whole nother life honey.

And here I am, in this life, thinking about how the only reason I did not punch Jon in the face when he told me how much I should just get over my problems is because he was real with me from the get go.

I will never change the way I treat you based on the circumstances of the life you are living.

[spoiler: he would however be very willing to change the way he treated me based on the circumstances of the life he was living. #whipped #scaredoflifealone #possibleunrequitedlovestory]

in any case...
I am thinking about how much his behaviour shaped me. Because I loved and adored him like a brother. And I know what it is like to confuse brother love with boyfriend love. I had full on brother love for Jon. Even though he did not treat me well as a friend and he filled my life with drama through the poor choices he made for himself. and as far as I know, that has yet to change.
I just loved him anyway, like I do. It is brother love, there is a lot of room for forgiveness.

anyway...
I hated it when Jon would be insensitive, but I also understood it was actually necessary to take a break from agonizing about circumstances completely out of my control. In the before time, I had a community, financial security and a partner to do life with. I knew where I was going. I had plans.
Now I had nothing but a lot to complain and uncontrollably cry about. Jon basically forced me to stop crying, so then I could talk to him about things I couldn't get out to other people. And he listened. And he helped. And I used him as a tool like this for many years. Eventually, I could stop uncontrollable tears by just dialing his number. He was a good friend in the moment. He did like me. He just would never stick his neck out for me, where I would have for him. It was something I knew but he didn't know. because he didn't really understand people or himself. and he didn't want to. he just wanted easy. but the whole thing made me feel insecure at the time. because he could just drop me, but I really needed him. Marc changed that dynamic a lot, but it took years. years where, if I was uncontrollably crying, I would need to call Jon. even if Marc was sitting right next to me.

Everything. all the progress, it took years.
Nothing was apparent in the moment. I could not in any way, shape, or form have the understanding of the situation that I do without having lived through it first and then reflecting on it. just like having kids- no matter how prepared you are, you are not prepared.
There is a point where situations get extreme enough that the emotional experience is the same for everyone. It doesn't matter what is making you feel it. it doesn't matter what country you come from. it doesn't matter what period in time you live! 'Grief because you lost everything' is a state of the human mind that is universal. And you know what it feels like, if you know.

And I know. And I am actually thankful for it. now.

because in the before time, I was also very lost. Like a bleating sheep all alone in darkness. Sheep are not aware they are lost and I was not either. I was never trying not to be a sheep, though. And God heard prayers in between the lines of my prayers. He knew that I wanted to be the best version of myself and he knew how to get me there.
And it was a horrible experience, having the entire world drop out from under you such that your life becomes a surreal dream that you are watching swirl around you. because nothing is processing. and as you slowly start to wake up from this proverbial fall, the pain is so excruciating it freaks out your brain. The brain always responds by acting like you are going to die. Survival mode!

When I am in survival mode, I never feel hungry. I am a person that is very aware of eating when I am not hungry. I got so aware of eating, that it stressed me out too much and I had to stop altogether.
I stopped eating. for months.
But with Jon, I would eat. because he would make me act like everything I was going through was a "normal" part of life. His way was very harsh, but it was necessary. And I was able to eat when I was with other people because I could do it first with Jon.

I am not harsh. but I am honest. and I will not lie to people, even just by being passive. no matter the circumstances of life. My honesty comes from a the most loving place and reflects love, never judgement. And even in situations with my children, where I must judge their actions to teach them the ways for the world they need to learn to survive in- even in those situations, I do not judge the heart of my children.

The thing that has happened because of your actions is bad, maybe your actions were poorly chosen ones. But you, child, are not bad. You are better. You always have the opportunity to do better.

I make that distinction to them, so that there is no perceived judgement coming from me. All perceived judgment is logically abolished. Because they love their mother so much, that they would be shaped by any judgement they perceive from me- whether I intend it or not.
And I know that because I lived that too.

I know what being forced to hear things I did not want to hear did for me when I was drowning in the rubble of what was once "my life." I do it for people in a way that is filled with love and understanding because I also know how horrible it feels when someone treats you harshly.