James Deen

When I was pregnant with E, my biggest fear about having a boy was the penis. I was worried because I only understood the penis in one way, a "sex" way. How would I clean it? or even touch it? How do I not stigmatize this part of him? even though in my own head it is totally stigmatized. My husband and I discussed my concerns frequently, especially after the third trimester when I was convinced that I would have a boy. We did not find out the sex beforehand and I only admitted my suspicions to Marc because I felt like I wouldn't know what to do with the boy parts. I realize now, that I will always be concerned about E's penis because he will always be concerned about it. Apparently that is part of living life with your genitals hanging off you. I still don't totally get it, I probably never will, not completely. But E's penis and what he does with it has to be on my list of things I care about, at least until he is married. Even then, grandchildren, so.

I'm not a big fan of pornography. I can't make that statement without admitting that, yes, I have watched porn. Before I really understood what sex was, I was sexual. And, I have watched porn. I'm sure the average teenage boy with internet access these days has seen a lot more than me. But, I have seen enough to say I don't like pornography. I don't like to watch it or read it because women are objectified. And sometimes, it is very hard to tell if the women are OK with being so objectified. And also, I have issues with women who are OK with being objectified. Watching porn for me is not hot, it's a human issues crisis.
But then a week ago, or so, while hanging out on the internet, I read about this porn star James Deen. It was just a woman on reddit saying she was with a bunch of work colleagues, and she saw him and couldn't tell them because it wasn't "professional." I didn't really care. The only thing that seemed remarkable to me was how much women seem to like this James Deen guy. I figured he must not be like a normal guy in porn, or something and did not give it much thought beyond that.
Then I start seeing his name all the time (thanks Baader-Meinhof). So, without really trying, I learn all these internet facts about him. All the things EVERYONE knows. He wanted to be a porn star since he was in kindergarten. He has pretty eyes. He has very awesome parents. He is in a normal movie with Lindsay Lohan. And, seriously, you can't find a woman in the porn industry or outside of it that has anything bad to say about this guy. So last night, I checked him out, like as in watched his porn on the internet. I did it because I was curious. And then today, there was a James Deen AMA on reddit. So I get it now. I get why all the ladies love this guy. And, I recommend checking him out, if anything just because he is a really interesting contradiction. At least he is for me. His whole life, it seems, revolves around sex, and yet it doesn't consume him. He is all about showing love, like genuine love for the people around him. (Just read his twitter feed).
Sex without commitment is not healthy. Sex is not a healthy thing to be focusing on all the time. Relationships that focus most on sex are lacking a healthy expression of love. I do believe in these statements as general rules for human life. I do believe that most people can not be a healthy human being, able to connect and show love to other human beings, while focusing most of their attention on the next time they are going to have sex with said human beings. Sometimes, sex comes out of love. But never does love come out of just sex. I think James Deen is an exception to these statements. And, if there is one exception there are more.

Why do I care? because I have two year old boy. And while I would love for him not to even be interested in having sex until he is 30, I know that he will be a sexual being long before I am ready to see him that way. I still want to help him to make good decisions, regardless of my limitations. One day my son is going to want to search the internet for pornography; to tell myself this is not inevitable would be deluded. So when that happens, I want him to only be watching James Deen.
Because even though James Deen is living a lifestyle that I can not understand, he is also clearly showing love and respect to the women living that lifestyle alongside him. In everything he is doing, he is first showing love for others... and not in a wink-wink sort of way. If you read anything he has to say about sex, like people asking him how to be as awesome as he is, he brings it back to communication. He says treat your partner like you would want to be treated, and he clearly lives this with the partners he has. I can honestly say I am impressed by this guy. I don't know if he, his personality and attitude, are an exception within the porn industry.  My guess is yes.
My husband and I can be a lot of things to our son, but there are limits for us in terms of "sex role-model". Limits that I experienced with my own parents as a young person. Limits that I see now led me to make decisions that were not smart. As parents we can not always be demonstrators and we can not be controllers. We have to accept that our role, when it comes to E's sexuality, stops at information and encouragement. Encouragement for him to respect other people. Encouragement for him to not care about sex more than anything else in his life. Information to understand what a truly healthy relationship is and the role sex plays in that. James Deen, the porn star, is going to help me provide that information to my son.