january five this year

on January 5 2015:

I woke up in a weird way. I just opened my eyes and I was awake.
Normally I spend a long time between asleep and awake. I fight the transition because I always want more sleep. It is the curse of being a narcoleptic, co-sleeping parent of young children. Never get enough of that sweet sweet premium quality sleep.
Normally my children are talking (babbling in L's case) and climbing on top of me as I go from sleeping to waking. They crawl all over me as they play with each other. In their games, their knees and elbows inevitably gouge my full bladder. Eventually sleep is not possible even though I want it and the best place for my body to be is out of the bed.

So it was weird to just open my eyes and be awake. And it was weird that my children were both sound asleep right next to me. Even more weird was the message that was in my brain and in my heart... just all over inside me. A message that said:
"Everything you have been planning is going to change now."
And I know in my heart that message came from God. I know it was a prophecy of sorts- using that word in the most humble and innocent way possible, mind you. But it doesn't really matter where the message came from- the fact is, it was there. And it felt really weird in a peaceful way.
Just like how I woke up. Weird and peaceful.

I lay there feeling weird and peaceful, contemplating this message that made no sense. I looked over at L and his eyes partially opened. He woke up immediately once he saw that I was awake. He crawled all over me and then E. So E woke up. And just as things started to feel normal- the weird feelings of my wake up fading away alongside the peaceful feelings- my phone rang.

It was a short enough conversation that basically went like this: Hej, this is the lady from the kommune calling. You know how you were supposed to put L in dagplejer with the dagplejer mor that you have been waiting for since before he was born? She decided not to be a dagplejer mor any longer. She quit, so your son has no dagplejer place now.

Ok. I cried after the phone call. Mostly because it was overwhelming to go from feeling like everything was going to change, to something big actually changing. I had planned for L to start dagplejer in January of 2015 with E's dagplejer mor. I planned on this for the entire time that L was inside and outside of me! The plan was dashed in a two minute conversation, so I was shocked. But I don't think I would have cried if I had woke up in a normal way.

I was putting L in dagplejer so I could go back and finish my Danish education. BUT, a few days after I find out I don't have a dagplejer place for L, I also find out that I am actually not allowed to return to Danish school. The details are, at best, sketchy. I am actually still in communication with the kommune about whether or not the decision is accurate. It seems like it does not fit with the law.

But still, the plan was to put L in dagplejer so that I could go back to Danish school. And all of that changed. And even more has changed since then. I thought I knew what was going to happen for the first six months of 2015. I had a plan. I shared that plan with every one in my life. They all knew what January 2015 meant for me. Now, not even a single element of that plan is the same. Everything has changed.

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