Money is such a big problem right now. I just want to write this down so that I remember what it feels like in the future when things are not such a big deal.
We don't have enough money to make the student loan payments that need to be made and build our life here. For a million reasons, we ended up in Denmark at the end of our savings. Truly needing to start from scratch, a scratch that was not even possible without help from our families. We are blessed to have people that can back us up so that we have the luxury of travelling so far to find a job that wouldn't kill Marc's soul. And I know it is the best job for him- his work is great. Denmark is great and it is worth the debt we incurred to move here.
The bigger problem is the student debt. First, let me say that I think the concept of student loans is absolutely ridiculous and just shows how sick the system that issues them is. For so many reasons I would say avoid student loans in any and all ways possible because of what my husband has to go through.
I know many people don't have to imagine the scenario but I'm going to lay it out anyway...
At 18ish you have the opportunity to leave home, go to a school to get a degree in something you imagine is going to meet your totally idealistic expectations- the only problem is that you don't actually have all the money to pay for the tuition and the life you're going to need to live. But, there is so much money that is easy for you to access, you just have to pay it back later. Plus, you'll have an amazing degree which will get you an amazing job that makes sooo much money!!! So it will be easy to pay back, right?
Well, what happens when your degree ends up not being as awesome as you thought? Engineering schools pump engineering like you can rule the world and save it all at the same time. You can't. An engineering degree is not practical enough to have experience where you can actually do/make the things you understand and it isn't theoretical enough for you to be an expert at anything without a lot of extra school (and debt). If you're looking into Engineering and you think you won't spend the first ten years of your career doing soul killing work, you're wrong. If you're looking into Engineering and you think you can have a family or a consistent life outside of work... yeah you're wrong there too (unless you live in Denmark!). I don't know if this applies to other careers or not, and I do know that I am simplifying. I'm sure there are working Engineers out there who have been able to not kill their souls and have a family too- I just don't know any... well maybe I know one.
But neither Marc or I were so lucky as to find that glorious Engineering job that allowed the soul to stay intact and the family to thrive. Even now, the work Marc does is more technical and less Engineering. Had Marc gone to a two year college and learned a technical trade he would have been more qualified for the gratifying hands on work that he really wanted to do and we had to travel to Denmark for him to get. But then we wouldn't have met... and yeah.
So money. The loan payments are too big for one salary to carry. We're not starving, we're paying our bills and what not, but we can't save money either. So we have no cushion, no safety net. We have to rely on our parents, our siblings they are our financial safety net. If ever we need something that isn't a regular monthly expense (like plane tickets.... or new running shoes) it has been forcing us to make the dreaded "we need some more money" call.
I hate it. I have been fighting it. God keeps challenging me with it more and more. It's part of the reason I am writing this down, because I feel ashamed and I don't know why. I don't think I should feel ashamed. I want my family to be independent, to never need help and I think that is the idea God is challenging me with. In so many ways He is saying to me "reach out to those around you and lean on them." I know he will catch me if my support can't hold me up, but I don't live like that. I live angry at my situation.
It's a finite time life will be this way. I will get a job one day and we will be able to make our own safety net. Even now I have started doing some part time work. Maybe we will never be able to pay our debt back to our family, but I trust that they will understand. I know money is not as important to them as their relationship with us. I just need to live like I know it.