the set up

I have been at home without E for about a month now. This last week Marc and I have been pretty sick. I was the sickest but, by the magical powers of antibiotics, I recovered quickly and now Marc is the sickest. Marc has been home from work for three days, and since I am recovering too we've been mostly sleeping and passively surfing the internet. The problem with all our inactivity, at least for me, is that it feels like we're not earning what we have. I know how false this statement is, but it's the culture I grew up in. I'm reprogramming... working out the bugs from a land where sick days are not appreciated or accepted.

For me, taking sick days off right now is a higher challenge because I feel like everything I do everyday has to be working towards this goal: an insane idea that I can make income on my own terms and do it based on something I only think I can be good at. It's a freedom I shouldn't be entitled to have unless I can back it up with dollar signs. Just thinking that makes me angry at the world. This world that only sees value when it comes as a paycheque. But that is another rant, another idea. This is the set up to a very significant, hopefully life changing revelation I have had.

The fact is I care about making money not because it affects my self worth, but because we want resources to be able to make major improvements to our home so our family functions better; we want resources to be able to bring people to visit us; we want resources so we can put back into our extended family instead of withdraw from it. I have given worrying about it all up to God and his plan. But I like to think about how we are going to do the next project, what we need and how to get it. So, I walk a fine line between caring and not caring if I make money. We are not in need of basic necessities as a one income family, but we have to stretch to have anything extra and make sure we don't over reach. Another fine line walked between want and need, always keeping in mind that there are so many people in the world that can't even get what they need.

So, here I am and I'm not afraid to talk about it. When I try to communicate to other people the border line that we walk- this carefully choreographed dance to an almost zero bank account balance at the end of the month- it is always illustrated with my main concern: People want us to come visit, and we can't afford it. It feels like we're failing our families because we really don't like to make the trip back to North America, and now we have the freedom to save up for it before we go- but that may take a few years at this rate. Maybe it is because visits (the want of them and the timing of the next one) are the number one thing I talk about with my mom and my sister- to the point that I sometimes wonder if we don't have anything else to say to each other... maybe it's because I feel a greater responsibility to return regularly since we have decided to live in Denmark for good. Either way, thinking and caring about how and when to make the next visit consumes my energies. And I know if Marc and I were just living for ourselves, we would not be going back anytime soon; we wouldn't even be thinking about it. I feel like a slave to the ex-pat lifestyle when I would rather just focus on becoming a new Dane.

My conscious considering all that combined with my subconscious tormenting me with dreams about my middle school and high school years brought me to a realization, which will be revealed in my next post :)

happy climbing!

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