a story about yesterday

so yesterday. I want to tell you about yesterday. I don't know why it means anything but... I'm following these instincts. or these impulses. Whatever they are. the parts of my life that become more emphasized after this intentional and out loud praying that I am doing because that is what you said to do! And so I want to tell you about yesterday.

I have struggles in applying self love. That is what my recent time spent in isolation taught me most. A lot of it has to do with relocating. moving to Denmark and trying to learn a new cultural expectation; navigate all of that. Defining myself inside and out of it.
But it also comes down to the fact that, in any situation, I make space for others before I claim it for myself. and before anyone even asks for me to make space at all. It happens emotionally to me all the time. I notice because I am so sensitive to other people's feelings. I don't know if I have the words to explain the emotional side of it though.

In the physical world, a good analogy would be, when I'm on a train or a bus and people are getting on. before anyone decides to sit near me or walk by me, I am pulling myself into an uncomfortable position. I am making sure I am not in the way that may become some one's path or place to sit. Other people demonstrate the exact opposite response to sharing the spaces near them. But that is not my inclination. my inclination is to be aware of other people before they are aware of me. They may not even ever become aware of me, but I am still holding myself in that uncomfortable position until everyone around me is comfortable. Ok, then I am allowed to become comfortable.

And emotionally, that final comfort after everyone else is settled. I don't achieve it every day. I need hours alone to get to the place where I have established my space. And then I can live alongside others without compromising myself. The pieces of those hours are incredibly important. They are like steps built one on the other. I can be pulled off the steps at any point by a want or need from another human in my life, so it can take as long as it takes. And I have learned that intentionally stopping to help my child or my husband is a good way to ensure that I can come back to where I paused. if time allows. Then, I don't have to start over from the first step. If I fight to keep the routine, then the fighting itself will throw me off. But sometimes I am in a place where building those steps to make myself space at all is impossible. Any attempt to try will be a fight. in the present. in the moment. So I just decide not to do it. For those around me. Because I am a dirty fighter.

So yesterday I did not get a chance to do any of the things that fall into that category of self love. I was still functional. I was productive. but I did not get to spend time by myself to pray or create. or shower. or eat well. I gave all my energy and time to my family. And at the end of the day I was broken in a way that is scary for me. Sometimes the pain of existing becomes too much. I am overwhelmed. I beg for mercy. as I make more and more space for anyone but me. It does become not intuitive at some point. I have usually committed myself to more than I intended at that same point. So I feel like I have no way of going back if I want to maintain any sort of integrity or growth. I just have to go through it. get it over with and then I can make space for my self love again.

So yesterday. I was broken at the end of the day. Trying to explain to my husband how I felt and not feeling like I can get the point across. But somehow, something made it through. And we decided together that I should go to the sea. Swimming in the sea is some purified me-time for sure. because no one can come with me. We live close to a beach on the Baltic Sea. We found me twenty five minutes at the end of the day yesterday. It was after 8pm. I went to the beach. I prayed first and, eventually, while praying, I was just filled only with desire to go into the water. So that's what I did.

This beach is knee/thigh deep water for a really far distance. I have never ventured far enough out to experience the drop off. I don't even know where it is. And I only I know its there from the satellite images I can see online 😂
As I was praying, a rain storm started on the other side of the water. There is land (its Sweden) close enough that one can see it from the beach, so there was a rain storm over this land and the sun was setting behind me and my beach. A rainbow started to form while I was praying. As I walked out into the water, I walked towards the rainbow and it just continued to become more and more intense in brightness and colour. It was fantastically beautiful.

And then comes one of those full circle moments:
I'm out in the middle of the water with no one near me. The water is cold. its uncomfortable, but I get used to it. Enough that I can get down on my knees if I want to sit in the sand or I can float around without touching the bottom, but still be totally submerged. Sometimes I am facing the gold setting sun. sometimes I am facing this intense rainbow. And I know the rainbow is a promise that God will never destroy humanity, but I take it personal. because I have just been praying about my life and how hard it is to find the strength to endure the pain that comes for me in just existing. Praying about how difficult it is for me to believe that God has anything but plans for more struggle and pain in my future. Then, praying to acknowledge that, outside of my pain, I know He is not trying to destroy me. And, in case there was any doubt, I have this promise right in my face making me understand that even more. The rainbow has my full attention and appreciation when I am facing towards it. I feel as if it is there just for me to go deeper into this feeling of security with God. Going deeper into knowing, for sure, that I will not be destroyed by anything outside of my own self. And, then the rainbow has my back when I face the sun, the center of my universe. And that means something too, though I only have feelings for it, not words. It was such a perfect set of moments. Totally submerged in the sea and, for the first time in a few days, feeling only protected and cared for.

I only have the moment at all because my husband and I agreed together that we should carve it out of our lives for me. We used brute force to make it happen. If I had done it alone, I would have had to fight for it. I would have had to be selfish or demanding. I would never have done it at all under those conditions. But it was created by me with a partner. So it became a fantastic balm for my brokenness that I am still feeling the effects of. But I could not have had it without the cooperation of the people around me. And I do not always get such cooperation.

not from yesterday. but in the same spot on the planet.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...